


I heard you were in love with someone and I can't help but think that it might not be me

by spleenessy



Category: NCT (Band), SuperM (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Give nct some fucking rest sm you coward, I guess there are hints for all the ships you want if you read carefully, Jealousy, Jungwoo is not okay, Lack of Communication, Long Distance Relationship, M/M, implied depression, superm are tired
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-19
Updated: 2021-01-31
Packaged: 2021-02-13 08:57:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 16,613
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21491704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spleenessy/pseuds/spleenessy
Summary: Lucas is tired and thousands of kilometers away from Jungwoo, but what can he do about it? It's not like they're dating or anything, are they?
Relationships: Kim Jungwoo/Wong Yuk Hei | Lucas, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee, Lee Taeyong/Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten
Comments: 72
Kudos: 169
Collections: Neo got back





	1. Of course

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Skog](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skog/gifts).

“I just feel like I’ve been living inside a plane lately.”

Baekhyun looks up from his phone to give a concerned look to Lucas, then to Kai, who just shrugs. 

“We all are, y’know,” says Mark before patting Lucas’s shoulder, “I wanna go home,” he adds in a whisper, looking down as if he were just talking to himself. Lucas smiles softly because he understands, maybe more than the others (apart from Ten) how it feels like to be away from your home country for so long - even though South Korea is their country now - at least in some way. Lucas is rather glad to be part of WayV anyhow, because he gets to be closer to his real home, but he cannot imagine how Ten must be feeling about all this (sometimes Lucas looks at him and Ten’s gaze seems to be lost somewhere really far anyway, and there is even some sadness in his eyes.)

“Wow, hey, why is everyone so depressed all of a sudden?” Taemin exclaims suddenly, he wears a smile, wants to cheer them up. “What’s happening? You guys are feeling homesick?”

Mark gets back his smile right away but Lucas can tell it is a fake one this time - Lucas notices that he has been really good at telling how fake their smiles are lately, and the more time they spend together, the more he can tell, like how Baekhyun fakes his laugh when someone asks about how he manages to be the leader, how Kai pretends to be okay with taking picture half-dressed when he’s usually so self-conscious about his body, and how Taemin hides how much he worries for Shinee’s members that he hasn’t seen for so long. 

But Lucas doesn’t make any comment about it because he knows there is no place for him to do such thing: he’s the younger member of SuperM, and the less experimented compared to Mark who debuted four times already. Therefore Lucas keeps his thought for himself and sometimes he texts Hendery to have his opinion on some matters, or just to have someone else to talk to.

He misses Hong Kong. 

He knows it’s not so good to go there at the moment, that’s why he’s not sure he wants to go, but still. He misses China. He misses home. He misses his parents and his brother and, really, he just wants to get some rest. He just feels like he hasn’t had one minute to himself during the whole year, always in a country or another to promote one album or the other. Don’t get it wrong, he loved promoting albums, he loved performing with the others, and he loved the other members as well - he was just tired. (And he could tell he wasn’t the only one.)

Apart from Taemin, they all had a comeback with their respective group, either earlier during the year, or one coming later on. Mark and Taeyong had worked for Superhuman, Ten and himself had been involved in WayV’s promotion most of the year, and Kai and Baekhyun had worked on Exo’s November comeback as well. However, they all had managed to give everything they had for SuperM as well, and now they were exhausted.

Taemin is right, they all look pretty depressed, Lucas can tell from the looks on everyone’s face, so he decides it’s up to him to cheer them up this time. He exclaims with big gestures, clapping his hands and trying to look excited. “Guys, c’mon! We’re going on the Ellen Show, it’s gonna be amazing! She’s so cool!”

Mark is the first one to join him in his cheer up session, he nods vigorously and adds: “Yes! I heard she’s an adorable lady, I’m sure we’re going to have a good time!” 

Ten snaps back to reality, eventually looking away from the window he was staring at for the past fifteen minutes. Taeyong - who was watching him - does the same, almost naturally, as if they were connected in that weird spacing out moment. 

“She looks… intimidating,” Taeyong whispers. Baekhyun hears him and nudges him with a smile. “It’s okay, I’m here to protect all of you.”

“You’re saying that because you’re the supposed leader of this group or because you actually plan to fight her?” asks Kai with a grin and they all laugh, thinking about Baekhyun trying to fight Ellen DeGeneres.

Lucas is glad to see that the mood is lighter already. They will go through this day once more, together, no matter how tired they are inside.

  
  


“What the fuck were we supposed to answer to that?” 

Taeyong looks furious as he never does. Ten is next to him, trying to appease him, apparently failing.

“Taeyong calm down I’m sure no one noticed anything-”

“The hell they didn’t, it’s already trending on twitter,” says Kai, his phone in hands. Lucas appears right next to him, ready to grab the phone. 

“Seriously? Show me.” Kai handles him his phone and Lucas can check all the tweets that have been sent about their appearance on The Ellen Show tonight. Of course, fans are going crazy over their reactions when Ellen asked them if they were all single. That was so… unexpected, they all had been taken aback by the sudden change in the conversation. Taeyong the most among them: he had just not answered anything, too surprised and not even sure about what had been asked. Mark hadn’t been able to hide his nerviness either and Lucas had seen him struggle not to protest against the question, saying what they all thought probably (that even if they weren’t single, they wouldn't be allowed to tell, because the fans, because the company, because they had no privacy whatsoever and announcing something like this while promoting the first album of the group was not going to help at all.)

But instead, Mark had laughed, nodding without really saying yes, asked why everyone would ask that to hide his discomfort and they all had laughed and that was it, end of the story.

Lucas felt his phone buzz in his back pocket and took it out to check his text messages, expecting one from WayV’s group chat already making fun of him and Ten. 

But it wasn’t. 

**23:46 - From Jungwoo**

_ Of course you’re single. _

Lucas felt his heart flutter. Suddenly, the room he is in seems really far away and he’s very aware of his own thoughts and emotions. He bites his lips and tries to think really fast about what he’s going to answer to this text.

He starts typing.

_ I’m sorry I _

He deletes it.

Then he tries again.

_ Well it’s not like we’re dating anyway _

He deletes it again.

He doesn’t know what to write. For five minutes, he’s just lost, lost within his own feelings, looking blankly at his phone screen, waiting for the right words to come, vainly.

“Lucas? Are you okay?”

Lucas snaps back to reality and sees Mark facing him, smiling softly, a spark of concern in his eyes. Lucas gets back his smile right away and puts his phone back to his pocket without answering anything to the text. 

“Yeah, I’m fine! What about you? Did Donghyuk call you out for your reaction already?”

Mark’s eyes widen and Lucas can see his cheeks reddening a little, it’s rather cute and it makes him laugh because Mark tries to act like he doesn’t know what Lucas is talking about.

“No why would he?”

“Oh c’mon,” Lucas wants to joke about it, but a part of him knows that this idea comes from the fact that he got that text from Jungwoo, and his resentment is already driving him. Hopefully, he has enough self-control not to let his negative feelings take over his mood, and he tries to forget about that text quickly. He puts an arm around Mark’s shoulders and puts on a dramatic look, obviously exaggerated. “Mate, you were so cool tonight, we gotta celebrate!” He turns to the others and exclaims: “Guys, we should be enjoying our trip, we should be partying all night!” And he seems so convinced, so happy about his own idea that the others can’t help but laugh and join him when he suggests asking for a bottle of champagne to the hotel service. 


	2. Whatever

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Someone's crying and it's not me (I'm sorry.)

“It’s starting, it’s starting!” Doyoung exclaims, rushing out of his room, holding his phone and already running to the living room. He jumps on the couch and it only takes a few second for Johnny and Jungwoo to join him, Jaehyun appears at the frame of the door with a questioning look. “What’s happening?” he asks, Taeil passes him and answers before joining the three others on the couch, “Super M on the Ellen Show!”

“DONGHYUCK COME SEE YOUR BOYFRIEND,” Johnny screams loudly enough to make sure that the whole dormitory has heard him.

“I’M PLAYING OVERWATCH I’LL COME AFTER,” Haechan answers from his room, he sounds irritated, which makes everyone smile.

“He’s so mean,” Jungwoo says with a shy smile, “how can Mark put up with him?”

“He doesn’t,” Johnny answers, “They’re constantly fighting, but also constantly making up so I guess it’s fair.”

They all laugh at that because it’s rather accurate. Yuta is the last one to show up, he finds a spot between Taeil and Jungwoo and they all agree that they are way too many on this couch but none of them want to move. Jungwoo ends up on Doyoung’s laps and Taeil on Johnny’s and they all laugh again, “It’s good Donghyuck doesn’t want to watch, there is no room for him anyway,” Yuta says with a smirk. Doyoung shushes him right away. “It’s starting!”

And they all stay quite.

For maybe ten seconds.

The first one to burst out of laughter is Johnny and Taeil has to complain that he moves too much and can’t see Doyoung’s little phone screen enough. Johnny apologizes, they keep watching, he keeps laughing, soon joined by Yuta, and Doyoung, and soon enough they are all laughing because, really, this is _ too _funny. 

“Taeyong hyung looks so lost,” Jungwoo comments.

“That’s because he doesn’t understand English well,” Taeil explains with a smirk. 

“They all look lost let’s be honest, even Mark and he’s supposed to know English?” Doyoung says, he has a hard time holding his phone while laughing and having Jungwoo on his laps.

They keep watching, laughing a lot because it’s too fun not to mock the other members, even though they are also really proud of them, and Jaehyun is the first one to say it. “They look so cool!” he exclaims at some point.

Eventually, Haechan shows up and he really doesn’t care when he just throws himself on the others, making everyone scream and laugh and “Donghyuck you’re too heavy!” “How many Red Bull did you have?” “Twelve.” “What?!” “Just kidding, I had twelve yesterday.”

“What did I miss?” he asks once they are more comfortably set, meaning some of them finally gave up and decided to sit on the floor, Doyoung is still holding the phone for everyone to watch.

“Just them being awkward,” Taeil says and everyone laughs again.

“Your boyfriend is dumb,” Johnny comments.

“I know I tell him all the time,” Haechan answers without even smiling. 

“Stop bullying him!” Jungwoo says with an offended tone, half of him wanting to defend his friend, and the other half thinking that he wouldn’t like his significant other to say that he is dumb. His eyes wander on the phone’s screen and focus on Lucas, only for a few seconds, because the camera is back on Ellen and then on Baekhyun and Mark who are doing most of the talking.

“I’m not bullying him!” Haechan mutters, and when Jungwoo looks at him, he can see the little pout on his face, and Jungwoo is not mad at him for being like this. 

Jungwoo had asked Haechan one day: “Do you miss Mark a lot when you guys are on separated schedules?” Haechan had not even looked up from his phone.

“We text each other all the time, it’s almost like he’s here. So, no, not really. Or well, I guess I miss his physical presence sometimes, but, like, I can wait, it’s fine, I know he’ll come back eventually, and I’m not the jealous type either. And we’re so busy, I just don’t have time to miss him.”

This last statement had seemed to make him realize what he was saying because he had stopped tapping on his phone and had looked out of the car’s window. Jungwoo found his gaze if not sad, at least contemplative. But Lee Donghyuck wasn’t someone to get overwhelmed by his emotions so easily, and he had got back his usual smirk quickly, looking up at Jungwoo with mischief in his eyes. 

“Why, now, hyung? Are you missing someone? Are they from the group? Is it Mark?” The last statement had made Jungwoo burst out of laughter and avoid the question as they started joking about Mark being missed by everyone in NCT since he was always so busy with different schedules everywhere.

However, Jungwoo did not restrain his smile when he had heard Haechan talking on the phone, later on, that day, when passing his room. He had stopped a few seconds just to hear the younger complain about how he was so hungry, then how much he wanted to go to Burger King, then how he was not actually hungry but just wanted to find a pretext for having Burger King because he just craved Burger King right now and _ I miss you hyung I wanna go to Burger King with you. _

“Are you all single?” says Ellen DeGeneres on the little screen of Doyoung’s phone, and they all laugh again. However, Jungwoo stops quickly, because he wants to hear what their answers are. He can’t help but focus his gaze on Lucas, who seems so confident, so at ease, as if he had been waiting for this question his whole life - and a part of Jungwoo knows that this is just the way they have to act in front of cameras, but he cannot help the feeling of intense sadness when he hears his answer.

“Yeah, of course I’m single.”

For a few minutes Jungwoo pauses and gets lost in his thoughts, while the others keep laughing about how Taeyong seems lost, about Mark’s confusion - teasing Donghyuck who almost screamed, saying that he’s going to show everyone how much single Mark is next time he’ll see him, he’ll remember it for the next ten years.

Jungwoo tries to smile, but it’s a bit twisted. 

Lucas’s words keep coming back and forth in his mind: his voice tone, his facial expression, his confident smile, his big sparkly eyes -god he loved those eyes- and Jungwoo bites his lip thinking about the way those eyes were all over him last time he had seen Lucas. He knows he’s blushing a little but he doesn’t really care, he lets out a sigh. 

Of course, Lucas is single. They never acknowledged anything about their relationship - is there even a relationship? How could it be? They see each other five minutes every three months, without exaggerating. And Jungwoo feels awful about it. He was so used to be with him all the time, back during their trainee days, he was sure this would have gone on for a long time - but of course not. Because they are idols and part of a company and their lives don’t belong to them anymore - Jungwoo knew what he was going into before auditioning, he just didn’t expect to meet someone as exceptional as Lucas along the way, someone he just fully gave his heart without even thinking one second about it. 

But Lucas is single. And so is Jungwoo, to the eyes of everyone on earth including their friends from NCT. Even to their own eyes, actually, Jungwoo realizes, and this statement just saddens him even more. 

When Haechan nudges him, he smiles and pretends that he knows why they are all laughing once more, giggling along without really thinking about it. He finds himself almost faking the rest of the viewing.

They end up having lunch (or whatever meal is supposed to take place between 2 pm and 8 pm) all together before Jungwoo leaves. Yuta insisted that he’d stay, saying that he hadn’t been around so much lately, and Doyoung and the others had agreed and Jungwoo didn’t really have the time to say anything he was already pulled to the kitchen. After that, they all go back to their own stuff, Haechan, Johnny, and Jaehyun on their computers to keep playing Overwatch for instance. Jungwoo takes his phone and checks out the time: he quickly thinks about what time it is in the United States, then wonders on which cost SuperM actually is right now, because it’s even different from east to west, then decides that he doesn’t care. He starts typing. _ Of course you’re single. _

A light shiver slides down his pine when he presses “send”. He doesn’t really know what he’s trying to say with this message, maybe a joke? Maybe complaining? He has no idea. The only thing he knows is that he wants to talk to Lucas, about them, and about all the other things also - he just wants to _ talk_. He doesn’t expect an answer before some time because he knows that Lucas is certainly busy with plenty of things, but Jungwoo cannot help but look at his phone every so often, just to check, just to be sure that he doesn’t miss a call or anything. 

But there is no answer to his text.

No call.

Jungwoo falls asleep late at night, tired, a part of him happy that he got to spend the day with the boys at the dorm; a part of him anxious, as he has been a lot lately (for the last six months). He waits for Lucas’s answer most of the night but it doesn’t come.

It’s there in the morning. Jungwoo is woken up by sunbeams and he yawns before looking for his phone - he has slept with it and it has fallen on the floor of his room. He reaches a hand and grabs it to immediately check his texts.

He smiles when he sees that he got the answer he was waiting for so impatiently.

**04:11 - From Yukhei <3**

_ Aren’t you too? Haha _

Jungwoo’s smile drops immediately. What is this supposed to mean? He feels his heart tightening. "Haha". Is Lucas making fun of him now? Is he just a joke to him? Is this why he was so convinced to be single? Because Jungwoo doesn't even count?

Jungwoo feels the tears running down his cheeks before even realizing that he’s crying. He feels awful -again. He wants to be angry at Lucas but ends up only feeling worse about himself. His fingers are trembling and he curses, blaming himself for being so sensitive when it’s just a ridiculous text that probably doesn’t mean anything - but what if it does? What if Lucas is just playing around and not really caring about anything? Jungwoo knows that he’s overthinking, but he can’t help, it’s like this, it’s been like this for months now, his mind constantly filled with negative thoughts, thoughts of not being good enough for anything, thoughts of failing everything he tries to achieve, thoughts of nothing being worth it anyway. 

Jungwoo sobs and types a short answer he doesn’t really think through, probably something he will regret later, but for now, he’s just miserable and his distress is driving him.

**08:56 - From me**

_ I guess I am. I guess you don’t care. _

He is about to throw his phone across the room, he would definitely have done it if he didn’t get an answer right away. 

**08:57 - From Yukhei <3**

_ What? _

_ What do you mean? _

Jungwoo looks at the text, his fingers still trembling while holding it, the tears keep coming but he ignores them, so they reduce slightly.

**08:57 - From Yukhei <3**

_ What are you talking about? _

Jungwoo tiredly types an answer though he doesn’t want to answer to that, he doesn’t want to text – he wants to talk to Lucas, wants to hear his voice and see his face so that he would be able to tell what Lucas is thinking, just by diving into the depths of his eyes. (A part of him screams that he should just tell him that, that it would probably help already if only he’d let Lucas know about his feelings, his real feelings, not the ones he puts up in front of the others all the time.) But Jungwoo doesn’t say any of that, too bitter, too overwhelmed by his own emotions.

**08:59 - From me**

_ Whatever. Not important. Didn’t want to bother you, I’m sorry. _

The next second, his phone shows an entrance call from Lucas. Jungwoo stays still a few seconds, surprised, not expecting that and not knowing what he’s supposed to do. Isn’t it what he wants? To hear Lucas’s voice? Sure. But he’s still crying and he doesn’t want Lucas to hear it. So he just ignores the call and waits for it to end. Lucas doesn’t leave any message. Jungwoo waits for a text, but it doesn’t come either. His tears have finally dried. He sniffs and then decides to call Doyoung.


	3. Health issues

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Someone asked me to rate sadness out of my chapters so I'd say this one is a good 6 or 7? but who knows really, you guys tell me in the comment!  
Thank you so much for reading this! All your comments make me really happy, I hope you enjoy the ride as much as I do, I try to post as regularly as possible despite uni being really tiring. That is also why I don't really proofread nor have a beta, and as a non-native-English speaker I ask for your clemency. Thank you!!

Lucas is the only one awake in the plane. They’re flying to the West Coast, for the next concert. Tiredness has won over all of them and Lucas knows he’s probably going to join them in sleep soon enough. But not for now. For now, he’s scrolling through his Instagram feed, looking for something to keep his mind busy, switching from one application to another, trying to avoid his own thoughts. That is also why he doesn’t want to sleep, because before falling asleep, he knows he will have to think about what bothers him, about what is keeping him awake, just like a vicious circle: he’s awake because he thinks and he doesn’t want to sleep because it would make him think even more so he just stays awake and keeps thinking.

Lucas eventually realizes that this reasoning is fucked up.

He turns off his phone and lays down on his seat. At least it’s comfortable. The quiet whirring of the plane soothes him a little and he nods off quickly, but he doesn’t exactly sleep, and his mind wanders off to things and thoughts he had tried to avoid so hard for the rest of the day.

On his left, Ten turns in his sleep, and Lucas frowns because it wakes him up a little. He tries to find a more comfortable position, on the left, on the right, doesn’t find anything good enough, ends up lying on his back and opens his eyes, staring at the ceiling of the plane.

He won’t sleep tonight, and he knows he will get in trouble for that tomorrow when the managers will see the bags under his eyes, but he doesn’t really care, he’ll just have to pretend that he didn’t sleep well because of the plan, whatever. He doesn’t really care about anything. He’s just tired, and sad, and confused, and bitter.

And he misses Jungwoo.

His texts keep showing up in his mind even though he’s not looking at them on his phone anymore, like he did for maybe an hour already, before turning the device off. Lucas had been dumbstruck by Jungwoo’s words, really, he didn’t understand what it meant.  _ I guess you don’t care. Not important. _ What did Jungwoo want? What did Lucas do for him to be so upset so suddenly? He even tried to call to have answers, but Jungwoo did not pick up the phone: he was avoiding him. They had not texted each other since then. Lucas was too afraid to try again.

Lucas knows they should have talked through their relationship before he went on tour with SuperM. They should have sorted things out, tell each other what they really felt, instead of pretending that nothing had changed between them and yet still expecting things to be different. 

“I like you Xuxi,” had said Jungwoo with a shy smile, his head carefully laying on Lucas’s laps. Lucas had looked down on him, a bit surprised and not sure of what he should do with that sudden piece of information. They had been playing Mario Kart on Nintendo Switch with Mark and Johnny but both had gone to get something to eat, leaving them alone together. 

Lucas clearly remembers how he was mesmerized by Jungwoo’s face at this exact moment, by his long eyelashes as he was blinking slowly, by his reddening cheeks and his soft smile, his pink lips partly open on white teeth. Lucas can still feel, sometimes, the exact moment he had given up on the weird sensation that seized him every time Jungwoo looked at him this way. Mostly because of his lips, his gaze frantically going from them to Jungwoo’s deep brown eyes, as Lucas was slowly leaning over, and Lucas remembers feeling Jungwoo’s hand caressing his cheek, probably the most gentle gesture Lucas had ever felt on him. 

Their lips had met just as quietly as the rest of their movements. A simple, gentle kiss, a bit damp, probably feeble, but they did not dare to make it more confident. 

“Do you like me?” Jungwoo had asked. 

Lucas did not know what to say. Did he? Was he really attracted to Jungwoo? At that time he wasn’t actually sure of that.

“It’s okay,” Jungwoo had said, his smile still on but Lucas had seen the flash of disappointment in his eyes. 

“Jungwoo, I…-”

“It’s okay,” Jungwoo had repeated, quietly still, “For real, it’s fine.” And then he had kissed him again. Lucas had let him, cupping his face with his hands, each second of the kiss making him want a little bit more of it - but they both had heard Johnny and Mark come back and quickly pulled apart without looking at each other. However, Lucas had felt his cheeks burning still.

This had happened a few times: both of them being alone in a room for a couple of minutes and they would just get closer and start kissing, usually without saying much. Once Lucas had tried to talk: he was about to ask if they were dating, if there was really a thing between them, but someone had come in the room they were right at this moment and, as usual, they had just acted as if nothing had happened. Yet, they were closer than they had ever been, giggling together and clinging to each other even more than before, and if anyone noticed, no one said anything about it - for which Lucas was rather glad because he would have been extremely awkward about it.

Then Lucas had to go back to China to promote with WayV. They couldn't see each other and Lucas was too unsure of their relationship to be the first one to reach out. 

When they had seen each other during the summer, Lucas had immediately felt that something was wrong. 

He had his training with SuperM and was not supposed to see NCT members, yet he found some time to join them at the dormitory and spend some hours with all his friends. There he learned that Jungwoo was moving out, and Lucas did not dare to ask him personally about it. 

But then he faced him, and he read on his face how much he was suffering - he could read it in his eyes, their usual spark of joy completely absent, his gaze distraught, he was looking blankly around him; he could read it in his smile, forced, like a fixed grin, almost fake; he could read it in his gestures, careful, almost trembling, sometimes too hasty to be natural.

“What’s wrong?” Lucas had asked once, taking Jungwoo’s soft hand between his own long fingers. “Nothing,” Jungwoo had answered with a smile - but God knew how sad of a smile it was, “I’m just feeling a bit sick.” And he had kissed him. 

Jungwoo kissed him multiple times during this particular week of august. They almost got caught.

None of those kisses felt real though.

Not because Jungwoo didn’t mean it, but because he meant it in a way that Lucas was not expecting, overwhelming him with feelings of distress, confusion, and a frustrating inability to grasp Jungwoo’s exact train of thoughts. There were both the best and the worst kisses they had ever exchanged. 

Jungwoo had cried, also, once, and Lucas hadn’t understood why, didn’t know what to do, had just kept him in his arms until his tears had dried. 

Lucas had fled back to China the day after.

The next week, he had read on the tabloids that Jungwoo was taking a break from his activities because of “health issues”. Of course, he had asked him about it, but Jungwoo had assured him that he was okay, and Lucas had believed him. 

They kept exchanging texts until now and Lucas suddenly realizes that he hasn’t seen Jungwoo for almost three months. 

“I need to go back to Korea.”

“Wait- you what now?” 

The plane landed about one hour ago and SuperM is now driving to their hotel. Mark and Kai are still sleeping in the back of the car, but Ten clearly heard Lucas talk.

“You can’t do that, what are you talking about?”

Lucas bites his lower lip, the words kind of burst out of his mouth before he really thought about it, the sudden realization of how much he misses Jungwoo being now almost insufferable to him. He still hasn’t tried to text him again, but he promises himself he will when he has got some more time for himself, he could even call him, maybe this time Jungwoo would answer. Lucas is full of hope, as if the memories of how he and Jungwoo were at the beginning of everything had cheered him up enough to make him forget a bit of how bitter he felt about their last texts - or maybe he just kept thinking about the way Jungwoo cried last time he saw him and a feeling of guilt was slowly pervading him as he started to think that maybe Jungwoo was crying because of him, and maybe he had cried again after that, and Lucas had never done anything about it.

Taemin frowns and takes his hand, making Lucas snap out of his thoughts. “Are you okay, Lucas?”

Lucas lowers his gaze, he’s a bit awkward with Taemin being so close and attentive all of a sudden, he feels like they don’t know each other enough for that. He takes back his hand, but not briskly, because he doesn’t want to be rude. 

“I’m fine, I’m just…” Lucas realizes the absurdity of his idea, and now he feels ashamed of it, “Sorry, I think I’m just homesick.” 

“And tired,” Taeyong adds, a worried look on his face, “You’ve got huge bags under your eyes. You didn’t sleep on the plane?” 

Lucas shakes his head. Taeyong is right, he is awfully tired, he feels awful actually, in all the way possible, and he doesn’t even know why exactly. Taeyong pats him on the knee, giving him a small yet understandable smile. “You know you can always talk to us if you need to,” and by “us” Lucas knows he means him, because though he isn’t Super M’s leader, he still is NCT’s one, and he is probably still thinking about his responsibility in taking care of his members somehow. Lucas is appreciative of the gesture and he nods, giving a reassuring smile. “It’s okay, you guys don’t have to worry about me.”

“We’ll be back in Korea soon,” Ten says, and Lucas is glad to have him here with him today particularly, “Just hold on a little bit longer, you’ll be even happier to be home then.”

Tonight's concert is amazing, as always. Lucas forgets himself when he’s performing because he loves it, and he doesn’t think about anything else when he dances and says his lines, smiling at the cheerings from the fans and screams when he or one of the other members appear on stage. He thinks it is amazing that they already have so much success when the group only launched a few months ago, and he’s rather glad to be part of this journey. It’s like a rush of adrenaline that stays for the whole concert, and then dies out, but slowly, just like a plane, seen from afar, would land gradually, smoothly joining earth ground in a delicate operation that only the pilot could manage. Lucas is the pilot of the plane of his joy, and tonight he lands in a really hazardous way. All so because of one hindrance in his way, that comes in the form of a picture.

A ridiculously plain picture.

“Look!” says Mark with a huge smile on his face when they are all taking off their makeup, waiting for the debrief with their managers. He hands his phone to Taeyong who shows it to the others. “Haechan sent me this! I wish all NCT would be there to see us tonight, it was amazing!”

Taeyong smiles softly seeing the picture. Lucas does the same, giggling: the picture is of some of NCT members, Donghyuck in the foreground, making a face for his selfie, with the others behind him on the couch - Lucas recognizes the dormitory. On the couch are Johnny and Taeil doing the V sign, Yuta with a big smile, and next to him, Doyoung, and sitting on his laps, Jungwoo. 

Lucas doesn’t exactly understand the cold shiver that goes down his spine as his gaze stays stuck on them. Doyoung, his arms negligently wrapped around Jungwoo’s body, both of them smiling at the camera. Doyoung also has his chin on Jungwoo's shoulder, their faces so close they probably touch. Lucas can’t look away from them, doesn’t even notice the text added on top of the picture, saying “You did great tonight! Love you!”. He just feels something new in his heart, something he didn’t know he could feel, not like this, not tonight.

_ Jealousy _ .

Lucas takes a step back before anyone notices his confusion, but he cannot stop himself from taking his phone out and typing a message, pressing “send” before he could regret it. 

**00:11 - From me**

_ Can I call you tonight? _

He doesn’t have to wait long for an answer and he’s glad about it, because he doesn’t know what time it is in Korea at that moment, and waiting more than an hour would have been torture. His makeup is almost completely removed. 

**00:28 - From Jungwoo**

_ Yeah. If you want. _

  
_ So cold,  _ Lucas thinks, and he senses a hint of sadness in his heart. He checks Seoul’s time and notes that it is not yet 6 in the afternoon for Jungwoo. He wil call him after the meeting with the managers, when they’ll be at the hotel, he would be in his room then and have some time for himself. Usually, he would just take a shower and go to sleep, as tired as he is, but tonight he feels like speaking with Jungwoo is becoming quite urgent and a priority. 


	4. Disappear

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If chapter 3 was a 7/10 then this one is a good 9/10 lmao enjoy the ride and don't hate me too much please ---- or hate me but say it in the comments so that I can apologize personally.  
Also sorry for this is a longer chapter.

Jungwoo sighs in relief when he finally slides into that hot bath he had been eager to take for the whole day. He submerges completely into hot water, the bath not big enough to keep both his long thin legs completely immersed, his raises his knees up a little, just so that the rest of his body is now entirely underwater, including his head, after taking a deep breath. He stays still a few seconds, losing track of his own thoughts, eyes shut, small bubbles regularly escaping from his partly open lips, reaching the surface right away. The warmness of the water surrounding him feels good, exquisitely good. Jungwoo thinks that he has not felt good like this for a long time, and he would like it to keep it that way forever - but of course, it’s impossible, and soon enough he runs out of breath and has to get his face out of the water no to choke on oxygen. A part of him is a little bit frustrated by the fact that he cannot stay underwater as long as he wants, that he has to breath to live. Sometimes Jungwoo wishes he didn’t have to breath. _ Sometimes Jungwoo wishes he didn’t have to live. _

His gaze gets lost somewhere for a few seconds. He is not even thinking about anything, as it happened quite often lately: his mind is just blank, his head empty, his eyes fixed on an imaginary point for some very long seconds. 

Jungwoo snaps back to reality when his phone buzzes next to him. He reaches out to grab it, trying to avoid wetting it too much with his slick fingers. It’s a text from Doyoung, he asks him if he wants to come to the dormitory to watch a part of Super M concert. Jungwoo types a quick “Yes!! I’d love that” and presses send before putting back his phone, his facial expression not changing an inch during the whole process. Jungwoo sighs.

He wants to be underwater again. So he does. This time he takes a deeper breath so that he won’t have to come out of it too quickly. Then he stays still underwater, a motionless figure of pale skin and unmoving limbs. His hair is dancing around his face, strands floating and framing his beautiful yet wan face, eyes shut, mouth closed. Jungwoo does want to stay like this forever. 

Therefore he stays still until very last second, waiting for his body to run out of his last molecules of oxygen, before giving up and reaching out the surface of the bath, straightens up completely, breathless, almost panting as his lungs protest to get the air they have been denied for too long. Jungwoo feels dizzy. Maybe he pushed his limits, maybe he could have really drowned this time.

And what if he really had, he finds himself asking to his own thoughts, _ yes, what if he had drowned? _ Jungwoo wonders with no ulterior motive than just curiosity - perhaps a misplaced curiosity. Maybe it wouldn’t change a thing, maybe no one would even notice. Jungwoo shrugs away the feeling of profound despair that begins to threaten him and starts washing his hair instead. He has to get ready to join Doyoung and the others.

Jungwoo understands what he has been trying to avoid when the first thing he tries to find on the computer screen are Lucas’s features. He catches them almost immediately, his dyed hair, his big puppy eyes, as the others always say - and his big bright smile. Jungwoo wishes someone would smile at him like this right now. 

Jungwoo wishes _ Lucas _would be there to smile at him like this right now. 

Jungwoo gets closer to Doyoung, clinging to him without even being aware of it; Doyoung doesn’t seem uncomfortable with that and lets him. They stay close while they watch the concert, making comments among those made by others from time to time. They laugh a lot, Yuta is all about “whoaaaa” and Johnny is all about “noooo” and Donghyuck is all about “I can’t believe I’m dating the most handsome guy on earth.” while, of course, talking about Mark. 

Everytime the camera focuses on Lucas, Jungwoo gets a little bit closer to Doyoung, who doesn’t seem to notice -or if he does, he doesn’t say anything, and Jungwoo doesn’t realize that he’s clinging to him until the show is over and Haechan decides to take a selfie to send to Mark to great him and all Super M. Yuta asks for Jungwoo to make more room on the couch and the next second Jungwoo finds himself on Doyoung’s laps, giggling because Johnny is making fun of Haechan for being so romantic and because Haechan is answering with absolute nonsense and swearings that would hurt a child’s ears. After that, they decide to eat something, and Jungwoo checks his phone to see that he got a text from Lucas. 

He’s not sure about what he feels when he reads it so he tries not to show the others that he’s already a little upset. He doesn’t understand why, though, shouldn’t he be happy to have Lucas asking for a phone call? Probably. Although he would have liked to get this text way earlier. 

“I need to give a call, can I use your room?” Jungwoo asks Doyoung who agrees without any hesitation, smiling brightly. “Sure, go ahead.” Jungwoo thanks him with a soft “Thank you” and leaves the living room to find some privacy in Doyoung’s bedroom. He answers Lucas’s text while walking there, deliberately being a little cold because he wants Lucas to understand that he’s still upset about the last time they have texted, even though a part of him knows that he’s acting childishly. 

He sits on Doyoung’s bed and texts Lucas that he can call him now. He just has the time to wonder what time it could possibly be in the United States before his phone vibrates in his hand. He picks up after the second ringtone.

“Hey.”

Jungwoo’s heart flutters. God, he forgot how much he liked Lucas’s voice, how much he missed it. And he didn’t know a simple “hey” would make him so weak already. He gathers himself nonetheless, he doesn’t want to sound like a crybaby on the phone, and he’s still a little upset. He answers with a tone colder than intended.

“Hello.”

There is a small silence. Jungwoo can hear some noise coming from somewhere, but he doesn’t really catch what it could be.

“How are you?” Lucas eventually asks.

“I’m okay. You?”

“Yeah. Bit tired. We just left the stage.”

“Oh.”

Another silence. They are getting more awkward every time. Jungwoo wants to hang up but he doesn’t. Instead, he asks:

“What do you want?”

It’s almost as he can see Lucas’s face, and it hurts even more than if he had him right in front of him. He hears his laugh, and he hears how broken it sounds. Jungwoo knows he’s rude, he’s doing it on purpose, yet he feels guilty about it.

“You know if you didn’t want me to call you could have just said so.” 

“I never said I didn’t want you to call.”

“Yeah? Well, you could, I don’t know, be at least a little bit excited about it?”

“Why? What do you want from me?”

“I don’t know Jungwoo!”

Lucas has raised his voice this time and Jungwoo feels like shit. He doesn’t say anything. He feels his eyes watering again.

“What even are we?”

This question catches him off-guard. He wasn’t expecting it. Not that he never asks himself the same thing, but he thought that it was maybe better not to brag too much about it. And since he doesn’t know what to answer to himself when it happens, he doesn’t know what to say to Lucas either.

“I don’t know,” Jungwoo says with a really low voice, and he’s trying so hard not to cry.

Another silence. Doyoung enters the room at this moment, and Jungwoo looks up at him with eyes filled with tears. 

“Jungwoo? Are you okay?” He joins him on the bed, sitting right next to him, with a worried look on his face that would have made Jungwoo laugh if he wasn’t feeling so bad.

“Y-yeah…”

“What?” Lucas’s sharp voice on the other side of the phone makes Jungwoo bite his lip in anguish. “Is someone with you?”

“Yeah, it’s Doyoung.” 

Doyoung nods but doesn’t say anything, probably waiting for the phone call to end, which Jungwoo is thankful for. Lucas’s voice tone, however, has dropped once more when he speaks again, and Jungwoo hears something more than irritation in his voice, this time he sounds almost angry.

“Oh yeah. Of course,” he says curtly, “I guess you guys were having fun. Sorry I interrupted. Sorry I called you, actually.”

“No, Yukhei, wait-”

“It’s okay Woo,” and his voice is soft again, almost sad, but it’s even worse for Jungwoo who feels the guilt adding to all the negative feelings he was already overwhelmed with. His voice breaks as he finally starts crying for real. He doesn’t know if Lucas can hear it, he hopes not, he’s already ashamed enough to know that Doyoung can see him, even though he’s being very polite and not saying nor doing anything to make things even more awkward. 

“I shouldn’t have called you in the first place. I’m sorry. Have fun with Doyoung, at least _ he _’s there with you.”

“Yukhei, it’s not like that-” Jungwoo tries again, but he cannot find the words, he doesn’t know what he wants to say, his heart is mess and so is his mind, he just feels like crying and nothing else, or maybe hiding in his bed for the rest of the week.

“It’s okay. I’m okay.” And Jungwoo can hear that he is not. “Just… text me some time. Or don’t. Whatever.” He laughs but Jungwoo knows that he’s faking it. “I’m sorry.” He says again, and Jungwoo doesn’t know how to stop him from apologizing when he knows that he’s the one who is fucking everything up. “I miss you.”

Jungwoo freezes. _ I miss you too _ , he thinks so hard that he's sure to say it, _ I miss you so much I don't know how to tell you. I miss you so much sometimes I forget how to breathe. I miss you so much I _

"Alright. Bye then." And Lucas hangs up.

Jungwoo realizes that he did not say any of the words he meant to. Not any. Not a single one. He stares at his phone blankly, as if the device was going to give him some answers. Answers to what? He doesn't even know. Maybe just a sign, anything to keep him from falling into a bottomless pit of despair in the next minute. His tears begin to fall on the black screen.

However, he's not rescued by his phone, but by Doyoung, who gently puts an arm around his shoulders and brings him closer to him. Jungwoo finds himself hiding in his neck before thinking about it, and he cries silently as Doyoung pats him on the back. Jungwoo clings to him, sobbing uncontrollably, and Doyoung only hugs him tighter, which is at least a bit reassuring.

"Jungwoo…" Doyoung calls in his ear, his breath hot against Jungwoo's neck, "It's okay, Jungwoo, it's alright. It's gonna be alright."

Jungwoo knows that Doyoung is trying to help, but cannot agree with him, not when he’s so desperate and hopeless.

"How? Why? What am I supposed to do now?" He asks without expecting an answer from Doyoung, he knows that his friend doesn't even know what he's talking about. 

Doyoung keeps calm somehow, confident and comforting, his voice slow and deep, he's genuinely trying to help and Jungwoo can feel it. It does reassure him a little somehow, but it’s not enough to stop him from crying.

"Are you and Lucas together?" He asks gently, but the simple question makes Jungwoo cry even harder. Doyoung doesn't let go of him though, holding him tight. Jungwoo takes some time but he eventually answers.

"We had… a thing going on, during the summer,” he confesses, heartbroken, “but then he left. And now I don't know anymore." Jungwoo hears his voice breaking as he talks. "I don't know anything. I'm so lost. I'm so sorry." 

"Don't be," Doyoung says, "hey, Jungwoo, look at me." 

Jungwoo doesn't obey immediately, because he doesn't want Doyoung to see how much of a mess he is when he's crying, his eyes probably puffy and the tears wetting his cheeks, his lips trembling. But Doyoung insists. "Jungwoo, please, it's okay, just look at me." And so Jungwoo does as he is said. He looks up at Doyoung who starts to gently stroke his hair. Jungwoo just wants to cry even harder when he realizes how kind is Doyoung to him.

"I'm sure you'll sort things out. Whatever you and him are going through. It's gonna be okay." 

Jungwoo shakes his head. "How? He probably hates me. He probably thinks that I'm a joke, that I'm heartless and crazy. And I think I am, you know? I think he's right to think that. I'm the worst person ever, I'm the worst person on earth. Everyone should hate me because I'm the worst and it would probably be easier for everyone if I'd just _ disappear _ already." 

"Don't say that Jungwoo, don't." Doyoung stares at him with pain in his eyes, Jungwoo notices it and immediately feels guilty about it. "I'm sorry," he mumbles, unable to focus his gaze on him. Is he only able to make people feel bad all the time? How can he be so selfish? Jungwoo hates himself right now, for doing this Lucas, for doing this Doyoung, they both would be better of without him, everyone would be better of without him. 

"I don't hate you, and I don't want you to disappear, please Jungwoo, don't say things like that." 

Jungwoo doesn't answer, still crying, he keeps thinking about all the things he wanted to say to Lucas and how he didn't, how he was so cold to him when Lucas was just trying to talk to him. He feels so ashamed and awful, why was it so hard to just talk to him? Why does he have to mess everything up all the time? Jungwoo wants to disappear so hard right now, but he also craves for attention, for someone to take care of him and tell him that it's okay, that he will be okay. He knows he doesn’t deserve it though, so he doesn’t ask, he just waits for people to notice, or to just let him be, and he keeps going as if nothing happened. 

"Jungwoo…" 

Jungwoo looks at Doyoung. He can't help but be at least a little relieved to have him with him. He likes Doyoung. He always liked him. He is kind and thoughtful, he always gives good advice and he listens when Jungwoo talks to him. He's gentle and takes care of him the way a big brother would do. It's always nice to spend time with him. Jungwoo stares at Doyoung, and Doyoung stares back. He's not smiling though his eyes are not sad, just worried. Jungwoo understands that it's him he's worried about - he still feels guilty for that, Doyoung shouldn’t be busy taking care of him, Doyoung should be with the others, enjoying his afternoon, not wasting time in trying to comfort the pathetic mess that is Jungwoo right now.

"I like you, Jungwoo, I don't want you to be sad, I don't want you to feel like everyone hates you. It's not true, everyone likes you. _ I _like you," he repeats, and the only thing Jungwoo can think about is that Lucas never said those three words to him ever.

Jungwoo doesn’t know why he does this, he barely knows why he does anything at this point, but Doyoung is so nice and Jungwoo feels so lost and there is his hand that keeps stroking his hair and everything feels a little bit too unreal. 

So Jungwoo closes his eyes and kisses him.

The kiss is short, because Doyoung breaks from it quickly, eyes full of incomprehension and eyebrows arched in a confused frown - and Jungwoo immediately regrets. 

"I-I'm sorry," he stammers, "I'm so sorry, I don't know why I did that, I didn't mean to, I'm sorry…" His words mix up until he's just saying apologies after apologies, shaking his head, covering his face, crying even harder than before. He hides behind his hands and waits for Doyoung to scream at him or lecture him, or just to leave him alone and never speak to him again. 

But he doesn't.

Instead, Jungwoo feels arms wrapping him and Doyoung is hugging him tightly, Jungwoo buries his face into his neck, and they stay quiet for a moment until eventually, Doyoung breaks the silence that was only disturbed by Jungwoo's sobbing.

"I know you're upset, but you don't want to do this," he says softly, his voice calm still. 

Jungwoo doesn't answer. He clings to him harder, almost as if his life depends on it. Doyoung lets him, stroking his hair again, and Jungwoo slowly relaxes under the gentle gesture. 

Jungwoo knows that this is not what he wants. No matter how nice it feels to be hugged, no matter how sweet and carrying Doyoung is: Jungwoo doesn’t want _ him _. Jungwoo doesn’t want anyone, anyone but Lucas, and it hurts to realize it. The kiss felt wrong, Jungwoo knows that his whole behavior is wrong - but he can’t help, he doesn’t know what else to do, he doesn’t know what to say, nor to think. He doesn’t want to bother Lucas while he’s with SuperM yet he complains when Lucas doesn’t pay him enough attention. He doesn’t want to say what their relationship is yet he does not agree with Lucas saying that he’s single. Jungwoo knows his reasoning is fucked up, but he doesn’t know what else he’s supposed to be when the person he loves the most is so far away from him, unaware of what he’s going through. 

“What is wrong with me?” he asks, more to himself than to Doyoung, who stops stroking his hair and sighs. Jungwoo bites his lower lip in expectation: is he upsetting him too? Probably. At this point, Jungwoo is upsetting himself. 

“Nothing is wrong with you, Jungwoo.” 

Jungwoo’s tears have almost dried out, at last, he only sniffs from time to time - he doesn’t know how long he stayed his face buried against Doyoung’s neck, being in his arms was so comforting, he stopped thinking for a while and it felt good not to have all his torments playing on a loop in his head for some time.

“You’re unhappy,” Doyoung states, “I can see it, but Lucas can’t. And he won’t be able to guess it. You’ll have to tell him. You have to talk to him about your feelings.”

Jungwoo hums. To talk seems to be even harder now that he basically rejected Lucas over the phone earlier. 

“What if I can’t?” he asks. He hears Doyoung take a deep breath before answering.

“Then don’t expect Lucas to act the way you want him to act if you’re incapable of telling him what you actually want.”

The words hurt more than expected. Jungwoo sits up straight, leaving the comforting warmth of Doyoung’s embrace, tears threatening to slide down his cheeks again - but Doyoung is not having any of it: he’s smiling softly, as if Jungwoo were a wild animal he has to tame, being both nice and strict with him.

“You’re being rude,” Jungwoo complains. “But you needed to hear the truth,” Doyoung replies.

Jungwoo whines but deep down he knows that Doyoung is right. Still, he pouts and shakes his head in disagreement. “I didn’t ask you to patronize me.” 

Doyoung sighs again, and this time Jungwoo can feel that he’s close to his limits, that his patience might not last much longer. But Jungwoo is stubborn and he doesn’t want to let go of his pride, the same pride that made him react to Lucas’s behavior with such intensity - and he knows he should give up on it at last, but he cannot, it just feels to him as his last defense against his own distress. 

“You’re asking for a lot of things, but you don’t seem to realize that you’re not the only one with needs. I’ll always be here to help you if you need it, but I won’t let you talk down to me.”

Doyoung stayed really calm saying this, yet Jungwoo felt all his irritation, and he realizes that he may have gone too far this time. Jungwoo looks down and bites his lower lip. “I’m sorry.” 

“It’s okay.”

There is a short silence, Jungwoo not daring to look up to face Doyoung’s gaze, he just plays with his fingers, occasionally wiping a tear off his cheeks. 

“Promise me you’ll talk to him,” Doyoung says eventually.

Jungwoo hesitates a little, then finally nods. “I will. I promise.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “I didn’t ask you to patronize me.”  
"Well I didn't ask you to kiss me when you were whining about your boyfriend but here we are."  
\- this is the amazing contribution from my s/o who is well too invested in this story (I mean I'm writing it for them lmao.)  
My s/o basically screamed while reading this chapter and we were in the subway and they kept saying that I was the worst person alive so I hope y'all feel the same way about me now oups


	5. Always

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm alive! Sorry for the delay, as I said on Twitter, France's current social situation + all the deadlines I had with uni just made the end of the semester hell. Hopefully, I'm back on business, slowly getting into the plot again, that's why this chapter is a little shorter! Hope you'll enjoy anyway, please tell me what you think in the comment <3

“Damn Lucas you look like shit,” Mark says with a smirk, which fades away the minute he notices that Lucas is not exactly amused by his comment.

“Dude, are you okay?” Mark asks, he sits next to Lucas on the bed and puts a hand on his shoulder, patting him a bit awkwardly.

Lucas smiles at last and shrugs.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Just… tired.”

Mark does not seem convinced.

“You know you can talk to me if anything’s wrong, or to any of us, Taeyong is always willing to help.”

Lucas nods. He knows this, he thought about talking to Taeyong way before all this mess even started, when the… the _ thing _ with Jungwoo was still unclear and unsure – though it still is today somehow. But he didn’t have the courage to do so at that time and now he feels like it’s too late anyway.

Lucas lets out a deep, heavy breath and takes his head in his hands.

“Mark, do you ever feel like no matter what you do, you just mess everything up?”

Mark’s eyes widen and he doesn’t answer immediately. When the surprise passes, he seems to think about the question. Then he answers.

“Yeah, pretty much all the time,” he giggles, “Though most of the time I’m just overthinking things.”

Lucas smiles a little. Seeing how natural and confident Mark is about his insecurities somehow reassures him about his own worries. Mark always seems so passionate about what he’s doing, sometimes Lucas forgets that he also has his very own issues he probably does not talk about – Lucas saw him, sometimes, being a bit melancholic over things he did not dare to ask about. But Mark’s personality is so cheerful and lively that he tends to obliterate those moments in favor of those of Mark being “himself”, meaning a laughing mess and a confused teenager.

“Mark?” Lucas asks suddenly. Mark blinks. “Yeah?”

“How do you and Haechan deal with distance in your relationship?”

Lucas notices how Mark’s cheeks are a bit colored in pink because of the question, which makes him smile. Mark is still shy about his relationship even though almost everyone in NCT already knows about it – Lucas knows that if Donghyuck has no problem talking about it, Mark is well more discreet on the subject. Lucas almost expects Mark to deny the statement, but he hopefully doesn’t and just shrugs, a shy smile still on his lips.

“I don’t really know… I guess we just talk a lot all the time, via texts or by calling each other.”

Lucas nods. _ Talk _uh? Lucas must restrain a broken laugh. Of course, everything would be easier if he and Jungwoo could just talk, wouldn't it? Lucas really wants to agree with this, but he cannot, not when he just got rejected over the phone less than a day ago. He just tried to talk to him, tried to sort things out, and Jungwoo rejected him apparently without a care, too busy spending time with Doyoung probably – Lucas feels jealousy filling him again, and he doesn’t want to let it win over him, because he knows he’s acting childishly and that Jungwoo and Doyoung being close friends does not mean that there is anything going on between them. He sighs loudly.

“Is there someone…?”

Mark starts to speak but then stops, and Lucas understands by the look on his face that he must think that he’s being unpolite. Lucas smiles softly and pats him on the back.

“Yup. You can ask. There is.”

Lucas is surprised to be able to joke about it still when he was almost crying out of rage because of it just yesterday.

Mark’s eyes are filled with surprise and excitement and a big smile appears on his face.

“Who is it?”

Lucas takes a few seconds to answer, not sure if he really wants to come out to Mark now, not when he does not actually know what is currently going on between him and Jungwoo. He bites his lower lips, sighs and finally answers:

“Jungwoo.”

Mark’s look at this exact moment is priceless. He’s dumbstruck and his facial expression is so fun to watch that Lucas can’t help but burst out of laughter.

“C’mon mate, I would have said Lee Soo Man that you would have been less surprised, right?”

Lucas keeps laughing, and Mark eventually joins him.

“I’m not surprised at all actually!” He says after a few seconds.

“I’m not dumb!” He insists.

“I’ve always suspected something between the two of you.”

“Oh, really, you do now?”

Lucas smirks and Mark seems offended.

“Yeah! You guys are not the most discreet- I mean, Jungwoo just clings to you every time you’re around it’s almost annoying.”

Lucas’s smile twitches at this statement. Did Jungwoo really do that? He never noticed. A part of him can’t help but be proud and happy at the same time; as if Jungwoo’s hugs were a privilege. Lucas feels a soft warmness coming over his cheeks and he keeps smiling brightly, he cannot help it anymore.

“Does he?” he whispers to himself more than to Mark, who hears it anyway.

“Yeah, really, I mean, it’s cute in a way, to be honest, who am I to judge? Donghyuck just won’t let me be for more than five minutes when I’m home,” he says, laughing, but the evocation of Haechan and home at the same time seems to make him feel a bit melancholic and he doesn’t talk for a few minutes. Lucas notices it but does not comment on it, he doesn’t want to rub it in.

“So,” Mark starts again eventually, “are you and Jungwoo having some hard time with distance?”

Lucas blinks, he still has his smile on, but he feels tenser already. “You could say that, yeah.”

“What’s the matter then?” 

“I, uh…” Lucas realizes that he does not even know where to start, nor what to say exactly. What’s the matter? What’s the real issue between him and Jungwoo? Distance? Jealousy? Trust? Communication? Probably all these things at the same time, Lucas thinks. They do have a lot of things going on, and not even one seems to be clear in Lucas’s mind.

“It’s kind of a fucked-up situation,” he lets out without thinking.

Mark frowns.

“What kind?”

_ The kind where I’m incapable of telling him that I love him and he’s incapable of telling me what he really wants and we’re both incapable of communicating like two fucking adults so we just keep getting mad at each other and we both expect that the other one is going to make things up for the other and until that we just wait and see which one will last the longest but I’m afraid that at some point one of us will have enough of this situation and I’m scared because I feel like it’s going to be me. _

“The kind where I’m getting jealous for some dumb shit and we don’t talk to each other enough.”

“Oh. I see.”

Lucas sighs deeply.

“I really don’t know where to start.”

And saying it out loud feels even worst. Lucas understands that there is so much going on in his mind right now: when was the last time he took a break from everything? When was the last time he got to spend some hours just thinking about himself, having some self-care as they say? He doesn’t remember. It feels like every time he had a break from Super M, he was busy overthinking about his relationship with Jungwoo, and he suddenly feels particularly heavy in his chest. Lucas is tired.

“Is he the reason why you want to go back to Korea as soon as possible?”

Lucas sighs heavily, of course that’s why, but he knows that it’s not possible, this kind of things do not depend on him, and no matter how much he wants to go home, he knows he doesn’t have a choice: he’s not the one in control.

Lucas wonders if he is in control of anything lately, and this thought gives him a bitter feeling. He shrugs and smiles softly at Mark. “Yeah. I don’t know if Jungwoo wants me home though.”

“C’mon, don’t say that! He’s probably impatiently waiting for you.”

“Is he?” Lucas asks, thinking about their last phone call, again, wondering when they fucked up exactly; if it was when he went on tour, or on the Ellen Show, or even before all that, when they had just started this _ thing_. Maybe they shouldn’t have tried anything in the first place. Maybe they just couldn’t be together. Maybe…

“Well, just ask him.”

Mark’s simple and obvious statement takes Lucas aback. He cannot help the laugh but apologize right after because he doesn’t want Mark to think that he’s making fun of him.

“Sorry… it’s just that… our last conversation didn’t really end well and I don’t feel like asking him anything anymore…”

Mark seems even sadder than he is now but Lucas doesn’t really pay attention. He’s just lost in his own feelings, thinking about the phone call, about the tour, about Jungwoo and how they ended up like this. He doesn’t understand. He’s not sure he wants to understand anymore though.

“I’m tired of doing all the work,” Lucas sighs with a sad smile, “if he really wants us to be something, it’s his turn to prove it.”

Mark doesn’t say anything and Lucas doesn’t want to ask him what he’s thinking because he already knows that he’s acting selfishly, but he just doesn’t know what else to do, and he feels like he has already been giving enough to Jungwoo and that he also deserves to be selfish sometimes. Lucas sighs again, then pats Mark on the shoulder.

“Thank you for everything Mark, it felt good to talk to you.”

Mark’s smile is bright when he squeezes his hand, always so comforting and cheerful.

“Anything for you, man.”

And Lucas knows that whatever he is going through, Mark will always be there to support him, and he feels his chest less heavy already.

Yet, before Lucas leaves the room, Mark says one last thing:

“You know it isn’t always perfect with Donghyuck either. We broke up a few times before. But in the end, we always found each other again, because we wanted it to work, I just never gave up on him, and neither did he.”

Mark smiles, and Lucas finds himself smiling back.

“You’ll be okay.”

And Lucas really wants to believe him.


	6. Unreachable

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been 84 years...   
I'm so sorry for making you all wait for so long but 2020 has been crazy so far and I think we can all agree on that lmao  
BUT GUESS WHAT here is a new chapter and hopefully, I'm back to writing this fic on a more regular basis!!  
Thank you to everyone who kept leaving kudos and comments despite the hiatus, particularly to that sweet anon on curiouscat, I think this chapter is here because you came and asked me about it soooo I hope you'll enjoy it <3   
(you see, guys, never underestimate the power of comments!!)   
thank you everyone for keeping up with me and enjoy this chapter <3

Jungwoo always had a love-hate relationship with his phone. Sometimes, he spends hours on it, scrolling through social medias and playing stupid games; or he takes selfies and pictures of what he is eating, what he is seeing, and sends them to his mum, or his friends. He watches video of food, or videos of NCT, and laughs at his own stupidity, or at the expanse of the others. He happens to find some fanmade videos also, sometimes, and he watches those with curiosity and a weird expectation when he reads their titles: “10 proofs that Jaehyun is NCT’s dad” or “meet NCT’s most talented member: Lee Taeyong”. Most of the time, he chuckles while watching, but not for every video. Sometimes, he stumbles upon a fanmade topic about dating, and he is too curious not to take a look at it, most particularly when the video is titled “Mark and Lucas are dating and I have proofs”.

They are supposed to be funny videos, not accurate ones, because Jungwoo knows that Mark and Lucas are friends, almost best friends, that Mark is dating Haechan (and there are plenty of videos about them, too), but Jungwoo can’t help the feeling of distress when he watches this kind of fake investigations with pictures and details he had never noticed before – and, sometimes, he even starts to believe it. It is so easy to see it: how Lucas is laughing at Mark’s jokes, or Hendery’s or anyone’s for that matter. Jungwoo’s rational mind knows that it is because Lucas is just a happy-go-lucky ray of sunshine with everyone, that he never hides his happiness, and laughs every time he feels like it, but still. Somewhere inside Jungwoo’s chest, it hurts.

But he keeps watching.

Until he doesn’t.

Then comes a period when Jungwoo does not look at his phone for hours. Just having it in his pocket makes him feel sick, so he just puts it on a table, his bedside table, or his desk, and he doesn’t check it anymore. This can go on for days, sometimes, and Jungwoo knows that people get worried or annoyed at him for not answering his phone, but he just can’t.

He doesn’t think that anyone needs him anyway. They can go on without him, he thinks, they’ll forget him quickly enough for him not to be a bother anymore.

Yet, when this period of disgust for social interactions and medias ends, Jungwoo can’t help but feel relieved that his friends texted him: “Where are you?” they ask, “Are you okay?” “Tell us when you’re feeling better!” “We love you, Woo!”

Jungwoo doesn’t believe them, but it’s okay because at least they pretend and Jungwoo always thought that relationships were meant to be fake anyway.

After his discussion with Doyoung, and despite his promise, Jungwoo abandons his phone. He doesn’t come back to NCT’s dormitories for two weeks and starts answering their texts only after one. Doyoung asks him, once:

_Have you talked to Lucas?_

Jungwoo ignores his text and keeps scrolling his youtube feed in search of a nice cooking video to calm him before he goes to bed. He forgets about the text and doesn’t answer before the next day.

_I will._

He knows he will. He wants to, for real. He just doesn’t know how to gather up the courage to do it.

Jungwoo feels like a coward, but he can’t help but be afraid of what might happen if he calls Lucas. What should he say to him? That he kissed Doyoung? Probably a bad idea, even if he can explain the circumstances, Jungwoo knows that it’s not something Lucas wants to hear. They already have so many things to say to each other and probably argue about, he doesn’t want to add on. He doesn’t want to lie to him, though, so the easiest way is to avoid talking – as always.

Jungwoo had become pretty good at avoiding things that annoyed him, during those last months. He did not even think about it anymore, it was like a natural thing: each time something bothered him, he would just walk away and shrug it off like it was nothing. And he did that for everything: his grades dangerously falling, his friends being worried about him, the pressure put on his shoulders by the company, and his relationship with Lucas. Jungwoo thought that if he did not face those things, he didn’t have to find a solution for it. And as far as he was concerned, it worked.

Or so he thought.

When he takes back his phone from his one week pause, the first thing Jungwoo does is looking at the last texts exchanged with Lucas. He is not surprised to see that Lucas did not send anything new to him, not even a stupid meme video, or a picture of a dog – but not surprised does not mean that he is happy about it. Jungwoo realizes that he is longing for a conversation with Lucas, but he still expects Lucas to reach for him first. He knows it’s a stupid way to react but he never said that he was going to be the mature person in this relationship, and now that one of them has to be, he still doesn’t want to. Hell, he doesn’t even know if they do _have_ a relationship.

Yet, Jungwoo also knows that nothing will solve itself.

So why is he so stubborn about it? He doesn’t know. He keeps looking at his phone, expecting an answer that doesn’t come, and maybe never will.

But he made that promise to Doyoung and Jungwoo knows that he cannot run away from his problems forever.

It takes him four days, but he eventually gathers the courage to dial Lucas’ phone number.

He prepares for it beforehand: he checks on the time, for he doesn’t want to wake Lucas up or bother him during a rehearsal, or an interview. Jungwoo feels like he is going to bother him anyway, but he at least tries to adapt to Lucas’ conditions as much as possible.

Jungwoo notices that he is trembling, and the ringtone makes him shiver. He waits for Lucas to pick up.

“Uh, hello?”

Jungwoo recognizes the voice over the phone, but it’s not Lucas’s.

“Mark?”

“Hey, Jungwoo! Sorry, I’m the one picking up because Lucas has his hands busy with pizzas.”

Mark’s voice is cheerful and lively and Jungwoo doesn’t understand why it hurts so much in his chest.

“Oh,” he says, “it’s okay. What are you guys up to?” he asks with as much interest as he can pretend to have.

“We’ve got a day off,” Mark says, and Jungwoo can hear the relief in his voice, “so we decided to have a little party altogether. Not much though, schedule starts early tomorrow.”

“A party?”

“Yeah, with pizza, alcohol, and stuff, we might also go to a club or something, you know, to enjoy our trip to the US while we can!”

Jungwoo wants to laugh with Mark, but it dies in his throat.

“Cool, cool. You guys are busy then.”

“Not really, no- ha! Lucas says he’ll call you back later!”

“Oh, okay.”

Jungwoo wants to be happy about the fact that Lucas acknowledged his call and even said that he was going to call him back, but the only thing Jungwoo can think about is a smiling and happy Lucas, holding pizzas while joking around with SuperM’s members. And all Jungwoo can see in this picture is his own absence: Lucas is happy when Jungwoo is not around.

“How is it going for you? Have you been hanging around the dormitory lately?”

Jungwoo blinks and bites his lower lip before answering.

“I’m fine,” he answers, as usual, because he says that he is fine even when he isn’t, because he is not sure what “being fine” means anymore, “I have. Everyone is well, the Dreamies miss you.”

Mark chuckles, he seems happy about that fact. Jungwoo smiles briefly.

Mark has always been NCT’s favorite. They all love him, Jungwoo included, because Mark is talented and cheerful, but also cute, and he has always been a good hyung for the Dreamies. Jungwoo knows why he and Lucas get along so well, they are similar: they draw attention to them because they are just so spontaneous and perfect in so many ways, it’s hard not to look at them when they are around. Jungwoo doesn’t know what he is the most jealous of: Lucas and Mark being so carefree and happy, or them being close thanks to that.

Jungwoo realizes that this is probably the reason why Lucas doesn’t love him: they’re too different, they will never completely get along, and even if they did, Jungwoo would probably drag Lucas down with him and his misery, and Jungwoo does not want that.

Jungwoo bites his lower lip again, and this time he hurts himself.

“Ah- uh, I’ll let you guys enjoy your evening then. Tell Lucas he doesn’t have to call me back.”

“But don’t you want to talk to him?”

“Yeah… sure, but it’s okay. Whenever he wants.”

“Alright, I’ll tell him!”

“Thank you.”

“Bye, Jungwoo!”

Mark hangs up. Jungwoo throws his phone across his bed and starts crying.

He doesn’t even know why he cries; he just does. It doesn’t feel really good – Jungwoo does not feel relieved when he cries and he knows his mother often says to him that it’s good to cry and let his emotions flow, that he has to let go of all his frustration, sadness, anger and whatever things he is feeling too much; but Jungwoo doesn’t think that crying is helping anymore. It did, in the beginning, but today is the third time this week and now it’s just exhausting.

Jungwoo wishes he weren’t feeling anything anymore, that would be so much easier.

Jungwoo curls himself into a ball on his bed and closes his eyes. His tears eventually dry and he takes back his phone to check if Lucas has called him back despite the last call ending only ten minutes ago. When he unlocks his phone, Jungwoo stops a few seconds at the sight of his background picture: it’s a photo of Lucas and him, laughing, during an interview. The picture was taken almost one year ago, they didn’t have their first kiss yet, but they look happy. Jungwoo tries to remember how he felt that day, but his memory is blurry and he doesn’t want to dive in too much because his own brain scares him and there are things he doesn’t want to remember.

When he realizes that Lucas did not call back, Jungwoo leaves his phone on the bedside table and rolls over to the other side of the bed to try to find some sleep. He doesn’t want to think anymore, so he just closes his eyes and starts counting in his head. Sleep comes when Jungwoo reaches two hundred and eighty-seven, and he can’t see his phone lighting up for an incoming call. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I said "enjoy this chapter" and then it was just angst lmao I'm not sorry zjhbgkz  
hope you enjoyed anyway and don't hesitate to leave a comment I'd be super glad to read about how you feel toward this fic <3


	7. Phonecall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's a free day for SuperM

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone, and happy new year!! I'm very happy to be able to update this chapter today, and I'm sorry for making you wait so long. I'm apparently incapable of keeping a regular schedule for my writing, which I hope won't make you think less of this fic nonetheless. For those who might ask, yes, we're getting closer to the end! I think the story will end with chapter 10 or 11.  
The last chapter and this one are "bridge" chapters, which means they are here to set up our protagonists' mood about the whole situation. Things will move forward again with the next chapter! I won't give you a date for its release, however, as I don't know how regularly I'll be able to write. Uni is still hell, and the whole covid situation has me very tired. But I always have a lot of pleasure writing this fic so I hope you'll have pleasure reading it as well!! Thank you for keeping up with me<3

Lucas lets out a sigh. It’s crazy how things go fast when they are on stage. One minute they’re starting the concert, the next one they’re leaving, exhausted (but happy) and the only thing Lucas can think about is the shower he is going to take once they reach the hotel. He just wants to sink into his bedsheets and sleep for the next forty-eight hours.

Oh, don’t get him wrong. He loves it: the concert, the fans cheering them up, screaming their names, the energy he feels when he’s on stage with the other members surrounding him; the sensations he feels going through his body during the whole show are unmatched. Lucas loves performing, he loves it but he also feels the aftermath as a pain he sometimes wishes wasn’t there.

He is not the only one, however. They settle in the van that will bring them back to the hotel and when Lucas turns around to ask Kai about dinner, he realizes that he is asleep. Lucas only smiles and doesn’t try to wake him. They all deserve some rest when they can take it.

“Good job,” their manager says in a breath when the car finally stops in front of the hotel.

Lucas is particularly glad that no fans are waiting for them – it’s probably too late, or the security guards at the entrance of the hotel already drove them away. Lucas wouldn’t have had the energy to sign them even a piece of paper: he feels so tired he could probably fall asleep on Mark’s shoulder when they stand in the elevator.

“Tomorrow is a free day!” Baekhyun suddenly exclaims when they reach their floor.

Lucas rooms with Mark whereas Taeyong and Ten insisted to stay together so the last room was shared between Kai, Taemin, and Baekhyun. They usually went to their leader’s room before going to sleep in theirs, just to talk and have dinner together if they took take-away, but tonight Lucas just wants his bed – and he can feel that he is not the only one.

“What do you want to do?” Baekhyun asks cheerfully. Lucas wonders how he can still have so much energy to give after performing for two whole hours.

“Sleep?” Ten suggests, hopeful.

Everyone agrees immediately.

“We can talk about the schedule tomorrow, Baekhyunnie,” Taemin says with a smile, “right now I think everyone is too tired to care.”

He points an accusing finger at Taeyong who is dozing off on Ten’s shoulder. They’re waiting in front of the door of their room for the conversation to end. Lucas smirks. They look cute like this and he suddenly wonders if there was a reason for them to insist on staying together in a room.

He doesn’t dwell on it, though, because Baekhyun eventually calls the improvised meeting off and tells them all to rest and sleep well. Lucas does not need to be told twice and he reaches his shared room in an instant to run dramatically toward his bed and just… fall over it.

Behind him, he hears Mark’s laugh and then the click of the door when he closes it. Lucas flips on his back, arms open, legs spread, he whines.

“I’m. So. Tired.”

He looks at the ceiling and he wonders if there are actual points of lights dancing on the white paint or if it’s just his imagination.

“I’m ready to sleep for the next two days.”

“Please don’t,” Mark laughs, “Manager won’t be happy about it.”

“Ah- do I look like I care?” Lucas asks, he lifts himself a little on his elbows to look at Mark with a serious glare.

Mark laughs again.

“I know you do,” he says, causing Lucas to whine even harder. “C’mon, we can sleep a bit tomorrow morning, it’s not much, but at least it’s something.”

“Yeah.”

Lucas rolls over again. His bed is too comfortable, and he doesn’t want to listen to Mark anymore. He knows that he should undress and get into his pyjamas before falling asleep, just like Mark did, but his head miraculously hits the pillow right in the good spot and now he doesn’t feel like moving anymore.

So he doesn’t.

Mark says something, Lucas doesn’t listen.

The morning after, as expected, Lucas does not get out of bed before he is forced to by Mark – and Mark himself had woke up way past midday.

Lucas is a heavy sleeper, though, and he _really_ doesn’t want to wake up (maybe he wasn’t joking when he had said that he was going to sleep for two days.) Unfortunately, Mark is having none of it. Lucas finds himself dragged out of the bedsheets and on the harsh, cold floor.

“Mark!” he exclaims, voice husky from sleep.

“That’s on Ten!” Lucas hears Mark laugh and he finally opens an eye to give a death glare to his friend, only to be met by Ten’s mischievous smile.

“Hi!” Ten says, “Mark didn’t know how to wake you up, so I offered to help. I heard that’s how Hendery wakes you up at the WayV dorm.”

“Hey! That’s not fair!” Lucas complains, but he eventually gives in and stands up from the floor.

“So, what’s the schedule for today?” Mark asks Ten.

Lucas sits on the edge of his bed to rub his eyes. He still feels tired, and all his muscles are sore. He realizes that he is in his pyjamas despite having no memory of putting them on, so he mentally congratulates himself for being so clever to not have wakened up while undressing.

Then flashes of dreams cross his mind and Lucas frowns. For a moment, he phases out of the conversation the two others are having right next to him.

Lucas doesn’t dream often – or when he does, he doesn’t remember much. Though this time, he can portray figures and places that seem both familiar and strange. Lucas doesn’t usually dwell much on his night thoughts, he knows they’re mostly due to stress and exhaustion, but something feels off about this particular dream and he really wants to know why.

There is the souvenir of a tall figure walking toward him, a light face with a bright smile, shiny eyes, and Lucas suddenly realizes that he dreamed of Jungwoo.

“Lucas? Are you listening?”

Lucas immediately snaps back to reality.

Both Ten and Mark are looking at him.

“You phased out,” Ten comments.

“Are you still tired? You can sleep some more if you need to,” Mark says, “We’ll tell the hyungs that you needed to rest a bit more.”

Lucas shakes his head and stands up. The motion allows him to clear his head a little, the memory of Jungwoo’s bright smile sent to the back of his head, in a corner he doesn’t have to think about for now. He puts on a smile, forgets about his dream – dreams are never that important, over-interpreting it wouldn’t be of any use, and he doesn’t remember much anyway.

“I’m fine!” Lucas says cheerfully, “Just a dream… nothing important.”

Lucas sees the way Mark looks at him like he knows something that Lucas doesn’t.

“You shouldn’t be so careless with dreams,” Ten says, “Sometimes they mean a lot.”

“You sound like my grandma,” Lucas comments.

Mark laughs and Ten smirks but doesn’t say more.

“Alright, get dressed you lazy ass, we going out for food,” Ten announces.

Mark claps his hand together happily, and so does Lucas, and he hears Ten saying that they look like puppies before he leaves the room. Lucas immediately gets dressed and he doesn’t pay attention to Mark until he realizes that he is staring at him.

“Hey, stop spying on me like this,” Lucas says with a smile.

Mark blushes slightly, a bit confused, but then shakes his head.

“I’m not spying on you!” he exclaims, “It’s just… what did you dream of?”

Lucas sends a surprising look to Mark.

“Why does that matter?”

Mark bites his lower lip, the way he always does when he’s not sure about what he should say or not.

“What?” Lucas insists.

“It’s just that… you were very agitated in your sleep. That’s also why I let you sleep this morning. I thought that you had nightmares.”

“Oh.”

Lucas frowns.

Nightmares.

Now that he’s thinking of it, maybe that’s what they were. Indeed, he doesn’t remember much of it, apart from those features on a face, but he does know how he felt. It wasn’t fear nor dread, more like… anguish. The feeling had disappeared when he had been awoken by Ten, but thinking about it seemed to make it come back.

“Lucas…?”

Mark is still staring at him and Lucas doesn’t want things to get uncomfortable between them so he just smiles at him.

“I’m fine! I don’t think it was that bad anyway… just… some thoughts. I’m okay now.”

Mark hesitates but eventually nods.

“Just dreams, uh?” he asks nonetheless.

Lucas shrugs. “Yeah, just dreams. Don’t believe Ten and his pseudo superstitions, he just wants to sound mysterious.”

They both laugh and Lucas finishes dressing up. When he’s ready, they leave the room and join the others at the hotel reception. They all look better when they’ve got a nice night of sleep and everyone can tell.

“Free day!” exclaims Baekhyun, “so, what are we going to do?” he asks again, with the exact same energy he had the day before.

However, this time, the whole group is willing to answer. And so they all do, talking at the same time about where they want to go, what they want to eat, and how they want to spend their day.

“As long as we get to eat something,” Lucas says, “I’m good!”

“As long as we get to drink something,” Ten ads, “I’m also good.”

“You’re a drunkard,” Taeyong comments, giving Ten a judging look Ten.

“I am not,” Ten answers with a sly smile.

Lucas wonders if they’re about to fight or to kiss.

In the end, they all agree on letting Taemin decide of the program – which made Baekhyun complain because he is the leader and he is supposed to make decisions for this group, complaints that were totally ignored by the others and Kai even added that “Taemin takes better decision than you” which let Baekhyun flabbergasted. Lucas is sure that he heard him murmur something along the lines of “the audacity of this bitch” but really couldn’t tell if it had come from Baekhyun or his imagination. After the dream-thing he had had during the night, he wasn’t surprised by anything anymore.

Time is flying and it’s already the evening. Lucas finds himself walking down the large street of this American city – it’s funny how similar and different it is from Seoul. He feels the same way toward it as he felt the first time he had put a foot in South Korea: big, dense, stressful, just as Hong Kong, but slightly different, too. Lucas never got to explain exactly how he felt about all those cities – he loved it, for sure, he always had a weird fascination for glass building and skyscrapers, but he didn’t know how to put this attraction for this kind of modernity into words.

Most of his friends didn’t quite get what he meant when he tried to talk about it – they quickly complained that he was talking too much about Hong Kong (not in an annoyed tone, though, it’s just all of WayV missed their home and Lucas had not the monopole of nostalgia.)

The only times Lucas had found himself rambling about Hong Kong without someone to tell him to shut it was when he had started telling Jungwoo about his family.

Jungwoo had listened to him quietly for two whole hours, without saying anything but giggling, or asking about more when Lucas would be worried that he was getting tired of him.

“I’m never tired of you,” Jungwoo had said with a lovely smile – and Lucas realizes that he smiled the same way in his dream.

“Where are we heading?” Lucas eventually asks Mark who seems to be the one who enjoys the most their trip to the city. Sometimes Lucas forgets about Mark’s years in the US and he wonders how he must feel to be back there after all this time.

“To the bar,” Mark answers with enthusiasm.

Lucas frowns. “Are we allowed to drink alcohol?” he asks.

“No!” Mark answers, “That’s why it’s fun!”

Lucas doesn’t know why Mark seems so happy to not be able to drink alcohol – maybe it’s just the idea of getting into a bar that puts him in a good mood, anyway Lucas is not going to ask for more explanation. A bar is fine by him.

Kai suggests that they get pizza before going and they all agree. They settle on a little Italian restaurant across the street, they ask their managers if they can bring the pizzas back to the hotel and hopefully, they say yes.

Lucas is holding the pizzas (they bought some for their managers too) when his phone rings. Mark hears it before him, though.

“Want me to answer?” Mark asks.

Lucas nods, his hands are full at the moment. Mark takes his phone out of his back pocket and answers before Lucas can ask him to tell him who’s calling.

“Hey, Jungwoo!”

Lucas’s heart misses a beat. He can’t help the smile on his face.

“Tell him I’ll call him back once my hands are free,” he immediately tells Mark who nods and smiles.

Lucas watches him and listens carefully. He can’t hear Jungwoo’s voice, and he is about to tell Mark to put the speaker on, but Mark is already hanging up and Lucas is a bit surprised that the call was so quick.

“I don’t think he wanted to talk to me,” Mark answers Lucas’s surprised look, before putting back Lucas’s phone in his back pocket.

“You should call him back as soon as we’re back at the hotel,” Mark suggests with a smile.

“I will,” Lucas nods.

He feels determined to make things right this time – after talking with Mark last time, and after that strange dream, Lucas knows that he can’t miss another opportunity to make up for everything that went wrong between him and Jungwoo lately.

A part of him is very happy that Jungwoo made the first step. They hadn’t exchange even a text since their weird… fight over the phone, and even if Lucas had wanted to, he always felt like it wasn’t fair that he always had to be the one to come back to Jungwoo when Jungwoo was the one pushing him away all the time.

However, this time Jungwoo reached to him, and Lucas feels like he should have maybe dropped the pizza to get his phone from Mark’s hands on the spot.

Mark must have seen his concern on his face because he reassures him with a light squeeze on his shoulder.

“It’s okay, man, you’ll call him back in fifteen minutes.”

Lucas can’t help but feel like fifteen minutes is already too much.

When Lucas calls him back, Jungwoo doesn’t answer.

Maybe he should have expected it. It took a bit more than fifteen minutes to get to the hotel, find their managers and share the pizzas. He got away in a corner of the room only thanks to Mark who covered for him and he had happily dialed Jungwoo’s number, expecting his voice, warm and nice, but only got the flat tone as an answer to his call.

Lucas looks at his phone, desperate. Won’t they ever be able to find each other again? Are they destined to always mess up, one way or another? Lucas doesn’t know if it’s just bad luck, or if Jungwoo is mad at him, _again_.

“Lucas! What are you doing? Your pizza is getting cold!”

Lucas looks at Beakhyun and the others, together, happy and cheerful as they talk and eat at the same time. His gaze falls on Taeyong and Ten, closer than ever, smiling at each other like they don’t see anyone else and Lucas’s heart squeezes.

“I need some air,” he says briefly before escaping the room. The air suddenly felt so heavy, he felt like he couldn’t breathe.

Mark gives him a worried look, but Lucas ignores him.

Once outside, Lucas takes back his phone.

His lock screen is a picture of WayV, and when he unlocks the device, he is welcomed by Jungwoo’s smile. It’s a selfie Jungwoo took with his phone and put as his home screen without asking him, but Lucas had never had the heart to change it. It’s from before Jungwoo’s break from NCT, and Lucas remembers that day like it was yesterday: Jungwoo and he were waiting for Doyoung and Jaehyun to come back from the studio because they wanted to go to the cinema altogether. They had spent a part of the evening eating chips and taking funny pictures – in the end, Jaehyun had come back too late to go to the cinema, and Jungwoo had fallen asleep on Lucas’s shoulder.

Doyoung had said they looked cute and Lucas remembered having blushed a bit.

Lucas felt his cheek warm up a bit at the thought, again.

He dialed Jungwoo’s number again, and this time, he waited for the voicemail.

_I’m probably sleeping or drinking bubble tea – please leave a message or never call back!_

Lucas smiles. Jungwoo’s voice is so cheerful.

“Hey Jungwoo, it’s me… Yukhei.”

Lucas bites his lip. What should he say? What would Jungwoo want him to say? He feels like he should know, yet he doesn’t.

He wants to say so many things; like how the tour is going well and how he enjoys the US so much; how Baekhyun, Kai, and Taemin are amazing artists; how people recognize him on the street and ask him for pictures in English and he always messes up his answers and Mark mocks him; how everything is so loud and big and shiny; how he keeps thinking about him when he falls asleep at night even when he is really tired; how-

“I miss you,” Lucas says.

He bites his lip again. He didn’t think it would be this hard to talk to a voicemail.

“I wish you were there.”

Is this enough? Or is Jungwoo going to misunderstand him again? Lucas doesn’t want to mess things up, but he is sure that something will get lost in translation even if he tries hard.

Lucas thinks about what he had taught Mark: if Jungwoo really wanted their relationship to work, he just had to prove it to him. Yet, Lucas realizes, when Jungwoo offered to do it, Lucas did not pick up the phone. Of course, it was just a bad timing situation, but Lucas knows that Jungwoo probably overthought it.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t pick up the phone earlier. You know how they make me carry things because I’m the younger…”

It’s a poor explanation but it’s the truth.

Lucas doesn’t think Jungwoo should prove anything to him anymore. But he also knows that he shouldn’t have to fight for Jungwoo to talk to him, and that’s basically what he has been doing for the last couple of months.

“I hope you’re not mad at me,” he says at last.

And then he hangs up.

It’s up to Jungwoo to tell him what he wants now.

After they ate the pizza, Baekhyun insisted that they should find a club. Lucas had thought that Mark was speculating on the evening’s program, but apparently, he had expected their leader to bring them along into a crazy night.

Lucas didn’t ask when Taemin put a fake idea in his hand. He didn’t think he would be doing _this_ with SuperM, but looking at Baekhyun and Ten making plans about how drunk they wanted to get, he should not have been surprised after all.

Mark looks very excited, too.

“We’ve got a game with Donghyuck,” he tells Lucas as they walk down a small street, toward a club Baekhyun heard about, “every time one of us gets drunk, he has to call the other or drunk text him.”

Lucas wonders what’s so funny with calling your boyfriend while being drunk but, apparently, Mark can’t wait to do it.

“Last time he called me he thought I was his dad for almost half of the conversation,” Mark giggles.

“Oh? Did he call you daddy then?” Ten asks, showing up between them like he was listening to their conversation since its beginning. He probably was.

Lucas spots Mark’s blush even before he stutters an answer.

“N-no, why would he do that?”

Lucas sees the hand that catches Ten by the collar and drags him behind them.

“Stop making Mark uncomfortable,” Taeyong scolds him, but Ten doesn’t lose his smile.

“Oh, I’m just asking about his sex life!”

“My what now?!” Mark asks in a somehow high-pitched tone that makes them all laugh.

Lucas knows that tonight, he will forget about his misfortunes – tonight, he doesn’t want to worry about anything.

When he steps into the club and see Ten immediately joining the dancefloor, bringing Mark with him without listening to his protests, Lucas knows it’s going to be one of those nights he won’t forget easily.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading, I'd be very happy to know if you're still in for this story in the comments, and I promise you a happy ending soon enough <3  
If you want to reach me for anything, you can find me at @incospleen on twitter!


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